Jayne's Turn
by starry-oblivion
Summary: Jayne attempts to cook dinner. Chaos ensues.


"Whoever thought that this would amuse me was severely underestimating my intelligence."

Kaylee glanced up at Wash as he walked into the engine room. He was fiddling with an old wooden paddle with some kind of rubber ball attached to it by elastic. Wiping the sweat from her brow, she asked, "What'cha got there, Wash?"

"This is what's known as a paddle ball," came the reply. "Book handed it to me, saying that I looked like I could use some kind of distraction. When he said 'distraction,' I figured I'd come by here instead of attempting to whack a ball with a piece of wood."

"Here, let me try." Wash handed the archaic toy over to her. It took her a few tries, but Kaylee eventually got the rhythm of it. Soon Wash could hardly see the ball, as it was being ricocheted off the paddle so quickly.

"I suppose you're going to tell me that it's all in the wrist," he remarked wryly. Kaylee only smirked and shrugged. In doing this, she ended up losing her pace, sending the ball far too close to the engine she was working on. With a gasp, she tossed it on the floor.

"You'd think they'd come with some kind of warning or something," she murmured, staring at the discarded plaything as though it were a deadly weapon. "I'll stick to my wrench, thanks." As she got back to work, she spared one more glance at Wash. "What did you need to get distracted from, anyway?"

"Oh, I don't know," he responded. "I guess imminent death has a way of making me jittery. I'm a bit weird like that." Kaylee stopped what she was doing and widened her eyes, asking him what he meant. "You mean you don't know?" Wash asked. "You didn't glance at the chore list for the week?" Confused as to what the chores list had to do with imminent death, Kaylee shook her head. His shoulders sagging, Wash muttered, "Guess whose turn it is to cook dinner for the week."

Kaylee looked at him oddly. She knew that it wasn't her turn, and she also knew that Wash didn't mind the occasional journey to the kitchen. They've eaten Book and Inara's cooking several times, and Simon's proved himself competent enough. Wash wouldn't have such a forlorn reaction if his wife decided to put on an apron, and the captain didn't know the first thing about food and so wouldn't even make the attempt. This left either River or-

"Hot damn!" Kaylee and Wash flinched at the sound of Jayne's voice echoing through the hall from the kitchen. "What's it take for one 'a these stupid critters to stay _dead_? Get back here, you crummy little bastard!"

"Oh," Kaylee squeaked. "Am I allowed not to guess? Because I really don't think I want to guess." It was all Wash could do to embrace the young girl as she shuddered. Jayne's aggravated outcries from the kitchen didn't make them feel much better.

"There, there," Wash told Kaylee. "Maybe we'll get lucky and he and the 'critter' will wipe one another out. It's been known to happen in evolutionary scales before, you know."

"Does the captain know about this?" Kaylee asked, looking up at Wash. "I mean, he wouldn't willingly subject his crew to a tortuous demise, would he?"

"Cap's missing out on the festivities," Wash replied. "He and Simon. They left this morning on a run for med supplies, since we're running low." With a sigh and a dejected glance back towards the kitchen, he added, "Let's hope they pick up enough to cover the damage from _this_ misadventure."

At that, River came running into the engine room, her hands over her ears and looking decidedly panicked. Worried, Kaylee intercepted her and gently grabbed her shoulders. "Whoa, whoa, what's wrong?"

Her face red with barely-repressed tears, River cried out, "Make him stop. Please, make him stop." Fearing that River was on the edge of one of her potentially-dangerous episodes, Wash and Kaylee tried to soothe her and get more information out of her. At length, she lowered her hands and grabbed Wash by the collar of his shirt, as though begging him to believe her. "He's _killing_ something! Right here on the ship! It's small and furry! Make him _stop_!"

Not knowing whether to be relieved or disgusted, Kaylee and Wash exchanged glances. Prying her hands off of him and putting an arm over her shoulder, Wash slowly led the girl out of the engine room, Kaylee following close behind. "We might as well see what fate has in store for us," Wash murmured. "Be brave, girls. We're entering enemy territory."

With that, they warily stepped into the kitchen. Usually bright and cheerful, the room now seemed smoky and nightmarish. Kaylee made a disheartened sound when she saw that the designs she had stenciled onto the wall were now stained by… something preferably unthinkable. At the stove, the trio witnessed the rather disturbing image of Jayne stirring something in a large pot, a white apron tied around his waist and his knit hat lying lopsidedly on his head.

Spotting the three of them, Jayne turned to face them, his wooden spoon splashing some sort of red sauce (at least, the others _hoped_ it was sauce) across the kitchen. "Well, if it ain't the luckiest crew this side 'a the 'verse. It's been a while since anyone's had the pleasure 'a enjoyin' a Jayne Cobb original."

"I wonder why," Wash muttered quietly.

Motioning towards his hat, Jayne grinned. "I'm liking the get-up. Ain't no poofy chef's hat or nothing. This is definitely classier. It just screams… 'classy!'"

"It definitely screams _some_thing," Kaylee teased.

Pointing the spoon at her as though in a reprimanding manner, Jayne remarked, "_You_ just joked yourself out of a second helping, missy." Looking to Wash now, he added, "And don't think I didn't hear that first comment from the resident smartass. You're on my list, too, little man." Glancing at River, he offered the closest to a friendly smile that could ever appear on his face. "Guess Riv's the only one 'a you that's gonna enjoy seconds." With a horrified look on her face, River once again covered her ears and ran out of the kitchen, screaming.

As Wash and Kaylee chuckled over the girl's reaction, Jayne uttered a colorful menagerie of obscenities. When Jayne calmed down some, Wash said, "Well, in regards to your choice of chapeau, Jayne, I think the classic chef's hat has a distinct advantage." Jayne asked him what it was and Wash, figuring that he was going to die soon anyway, answered, "Chef's hat can double as a barf bag."

Wash and Kaylee ducked as Jayne threw his spoon at them, then they quickly ran out after River. As soon as they were a safe distance away and their laughter subsided, Wash said, "Oh man, I'm gonna go find Book. Maybe he can give me my last rites before the fatal indigestion."

"You go do that," Kaylee told him. "Me, I'm gonna see if Inara has any incense strong enough to cover up the smell of the corpse of whatever poor animal Jayne's wrassled into the oven." After a moment's thought, she pouted and added, "River said it was small and furry. I hope it wasn't a bunny. That'd be really mean."

"Not to mention gross," Wash threw in.

Trying not to concentrate on the muttered obscenities that continued to stream in from the kitchen, Kaylee made her way to Inara's shuttle. Just as she was about to knock, Inara came barging out. "Where is he?"

Startled, Kaylee asked who she meant. She could see that River was lying on Inara's bed, tightly hugging one of her pillows. "That no-good, irresponsible _bái__chī_ who told River that she was liable to end up as an entrée, that's who."

"He wouldn't!" Realizing who she was talking about, Kaylee kept her mouth shut and entered Inara's room, meaning to calm the teenaged girl down. Inara left the two of them alone and started heading towards the kitchen.

She didn't get far before she saw Book going in the same direction. "I take it you aim to observe the progress of our resident chef, hm?" Book asked dryly. Still angry, Inara told him what Jayne had threatened to do to River. With a sigh, Book remarked, "I almost wonder if he only said that because we'd be more likely to enjoy such a macabre dish than-"

"Shepherd!" Inara gasped disapprovingly.

"What?" Book asked. "I _did_ say it was macabre, didn't I?" Seeing that this earned him no favor with the irritated Companion, he explained, "A joke, my dear. Completely and inappropriately."

"Jayne!" Inara called as she stepped into the kitchen. A dense black cloud came from the stove, and the makeshift cook had removed his apron and was using it to keep the smoke down. With a cough, Jayne asked what she was doing, storming in on him during the making of his "masterpiece." Her arms crossed over her chest, Inara walked straight up to Jayne as she proclaimed, "I don't appreciate what you said to River earlier. Kaylee's in my room right now, trying to keep her calm."

"So what?" Jayne asked. "Two gals are in your bed 'n you can't see any clients? Take it up with the captain."

Book watched as a newly-infuriated Inara began screaming at a tense and frustrated Jayne. Sighing again, he stepped into the kitchen and warily picked up an empty, unlabelled can, wondering what had once been its contents. His stomach unsettled as he also contemplated how whatever had been in there would taste along with whatever Jayne was making from scratch.

It didn't take long for Wash, Kaylee, and River to creep towards the doorway, cautiously peering in at the fiercely disputing duo. Book glanced back at them, wincing at the crashing sound that signaled that someone—probably Jayne—had resorted to throwing things. "Oh Lord," Book muttered, "it feels good to be part of a team."

The ship was suddenly engulfed in silence after the sound of a gunshot.

Stunned, Kaylee ducked and protectively shielded River with her body as Wash dove to the floor. Book pressed himself against the wall and, despite himself, Jayne pulled Inara behind the cover of the table. Nothing happened for a moment. Then, bringing in a strong chill with her entrance, Zoe stormed into the kitchen, her gun in hand. "What the _hell_ is going on here?"

Jayne, his knit hat now sliding down his forehead and nearly covering his eyes, poked his head out from under the table. Pointing at Inara, he exclaimed, "She started it."

Zoe glared at Jayne steadily as the others slowly rose to their feet. "Jayne," she finally said, "I'm a pissed off woman temporarily in charge of a mish-mash of a firefly crew, and I'm holding a gun. A big one. Do I _look_ like I give a damn who started it?"

Jayne adjusted his hat and muttered a sullen "no ma'am" as he stood up. Zoe looked around the trashed kitchen, her nose wrinkled in disgust. "What _died_ in here?"

"Honey," Wash spoke up, "I don't think you want a direct answer to that, because in a few minutes, you'll be eating the remains." Zoe gazed at him skeptically before seeming to realize what caused the chaos.

"Jayne's cooking tonight, isn't he?"

"Hey!" Jayne barked heatedly. "What the hell's _that_ supposed to mean? I got my hidden talents too, you know." Wash couldn't keep back a snicker, causing Jayne to glare at him. "Laugh it up, pilot boy. Soon's wifey's outta the room, we'll see how funny this is."

"Jayne," Zoe stated tiredly. "I just told you that I'm pissed off and holding a big gun. Is it really all that wise to call me 'wifey' when I'm within point blank range?"

"Those are terms that we needn't concern ourselves with," Book brought up, hoping to soothe the edgy crew. "Though some may consider it a less painful way to spend the evening, no one is going to be shot tonight, especially not with the captain and the doctor away on a search for supplies."

"Right," Kaylee brought up quickly. "No doc, no shooting."

"Hey everyone, we're back," called Simon's voice from the cargo hold.

Looking at Kaylee, Zoe asked, "Can I shoot him now?"

"No," replied everyone else, with the exception of Inara and River.

Sighing, Zoe put her weapon on the table and sat at the chair. Wash came over to her and started rubbing her shoulders, telling her that we can't always get what we want. Still staring begrudgingly at the people he was cooking for, Jayne went back to the stove.

"Whew," Mal choked upon arriving at the kitchen's doorway. "What the- Jayne, have you been cooking again?"

"Hey, don't go blaming it on me that the chores work in revolving shifts, okay? Goddam, you'd think that I just got up and decided to slave over a hot stove for you bunch 'a ingrates." Upon receiving the quizzical looks from his crew, Jayne turned sulkily back to the stove. "Now I know why my mother cleaned my clock so many times."

"Med run a success, captain?" Zoe asked, trying to put the nonsense behind her. Mal nodded and replied that Simon was unpacking the stuff into the infirmary right now. Upon hearing this, River snuck out of the room and the rest of the crew joined Zoe at the table.

"Good," Inara said. "The sooner we get off this planet, the better. It's so concentrated on technology that there are hardly any prospective clients to be had."

"Don't worry," Mal replied sarcastically. "We'll find a nice place with plenty of attractive rich folk, just for you."

Before their verbal battle could escalate, Kaylee jumped in. "It's so ugly here. Hardly any plants or animals at all. Kinda makes me want to pretty up _Serenity_ even more."

"Somebody say animals?" With that, Jayne put a tray with a medium-sized charred object on the table in front of them. At the smell, the entire crew pushed away from the table, gagging.

"Jayne!"

"What is it?"

"It smells worse than a skunk!"

"Hey," Jayne griped. "Ain't no way it can smell _worse_ than a skunk if it _is_…." He trailed off, not liking the pallid complexion on Kaylee as she jumped out of her seat and made for the door.

Just then, River came into the kitchen, her brown eyes alight with excitement. "Look," she said, crashing into Kaylee. "Look what Simon and the captain brought!" Kaylee looked down to see a large brown paper bag in River's arms. Opening the bag, Kaylee saw numerous squares wrapped in plastic.

"Corned beef sandwiches, anyone?" Mal asked.

The crew eagerly disbanded, searching through the bag for food. As Jayne glared at Mal reproachfully, Mal explained, "I had a feeling that it'd be your turn. Figured that I'd remember more than anyone else what happened the _last_ time you tried to cook."

"No one told me that you gotta put water in rice," Jayne complained. "Ain't my fault." Seeing that sandwiches and a container of salad were currently being divvied up among the crew, Jayne motioned towards the blackened animal on the table and asked, "Hey, what am I supposed to do with _this_, then?"

"More for yourself," Wash replied with a smile.

Simon came into the kitchen, a handkerchief over his mouth and one hand behind his back. He only had to take one look around the room to assess the situation. Walking over to Kaylee, he revealed a small carton of strawberries, claiming that he remembered that she liked them. Touched, Kaylee thanked him. Seeing the overly-sentimental look the two of them gave one another, Jayne put on a revolted face and said, "I'll be in my bunk."

"Don't forget to take your skunk," Wash called out. "Hey, how do you like that? I'm a poet and I didn't even know-"

"Don't push it, dear," Zoe told him with a tired smile. "Remember, I still have my gun."


End file.
